Fear of Abandonment

In the previous article, we discussed types of fear and they were fear of abandonment, rejection, or disapproval. Fear of losing oneself or being trapped in pain, loss of self and fear of the unknown. 

It took me a while to write on this topic as it is something I struggle with. In the next few articles, we will understand each fear, its cause, and ways to work on it.

 

 

fear-of-abandonment

What is Fear of abandonment?

It is the intense worry that people close to you will leave. It can be deeply rooted in a traumatic experience a person had as a child or a stressful relationship in adulthood.

People who face the fear of abandonment find it hard to maintain healthy relationships. This paralyzing fear leads people to create a wall within themselves to avoid getting hurt. Or they might be unintentionally sabotaging their relationships.

The first step in overcoming the fear is to reflect on your behaviors and acknowledge why you feel this way. So it helps you to address your fears on your own or with therapy. 

 

 

Physical Abandonment

You may fear that someone you love is going to physically leave and not come back

Abandonment of emotional needs

We all have emotional needs. When those needs aren’t met, we feel unappreciated, unloved, and disconnected. And very much alone, even when you’re in a relationship with someone physically present. If you’ve experienced emotional abandonment in the past, especially as a child, you may live in perpetual fear that it will happen again.

 

 

Fear of vulnerability

Points 1 and 2 can lead to being afraid to let yourself be vulnerable in a relationship. You may have trust issues and worry excessively about your relationship. That can make you suspicious of your partner. In time, your anxieties can cause the other person to pull back, continuing the cycle.

 

Do you feel that you have fear of abandonment? Spend some time with yourself and reflect on yourself. In the next article, we will discuss the symptoms of fear of abandonment and ways to heal it. Till then take care 

 

 

Toxic male characters in Khuda Aur Mohabbat 3

Airing on Geo TV network, Khuda Aur Mohabbat 3 is probably the one Pakistani drama that everyone from youth to elderly are watching and hyping up these days. But I think, Khuda Aur Mohabbat 3 is getting problematic episode after episode, with not only its plot but its toxic male characters too.

Here is my list of top 3 such toxic male characters from the drama!

Taufeeq Sahab

Played by Waseem Abbas, Taufeeq has a toxic relationship with his son, Farhad/Feedi where he left no opportunity to belittle him and never showed affection, which eventually led to Feedi feeling incapable and useless.

Can we blame Feedi’s bold step to elope for so-called love on the lack of fatherly love?

Nazim Shah

Our male lead, Feedi, in spite of his jolliness, is the most toxic of them all. The intention of portraying him as a Romeo-style lover has miserably failed.

Whenever I watch his scenes, he is doing nothing but forcing Mahi to fall in love with him, making her risk her dignity and respect. With her constant refusal, we see him emotionally blackmailing her. So not a hero now, is he?

Maybe Feedi does not understand, but the educated awaam that watches Pakistani dramas, knows that no means no and that leaves no room for imposing your own feelings on another.

Nazim Shah

One cannot help but feel nervous when Nazim Shah, played by Sohail Sameer, appears on screen. His intense personality and husky voice do the job!

Despite holding highest regards towards his values and social status, Nazim Shah has a very unhealthy relationship with his sister, Mahi, where he is against her education and discourages her to study further. Like any typical male from Pakistani drama, he just wants her to get settled (AKA marry a rich boy), shattering her dreams.

Khuda Aur Mohabbat 3, so far is a huge disappointment for me, without any moral or message. If you are following this show, let us know your thoughts about this Pakistani drama on Instagram @femmrang

Phaans an impressive end

Phaans drama, airing on Hum TV network, starring Sami Khan, Zara Noor Abbas and Shehzad Sheikh recently ended and I was impressed with the last episode!

The drama revolved around story of a young girl, Zeba who was sexually assaulted by an influential’s son, Sahil (Shehzad Sheikh), who pretended to be mentally ill (acted like a child) for years, making Zeba’s (Zara Noor Abbas) story unbelievable. Seeking justice, she faced many hurdles but did not give up! 

Here are the top three lessons I learnt from Phaans’s finale!

A mother is a woman first

When Sahil’s mother (Arjumand Rahim) became aware of his pretense and deceit, she decided to help Zeba get justice rather than defending her own son – a decision that requires a lot of courage. 

Throughout the episodes, Sahil’s mother was called off and even declared as a mental health patient for not taking her son’s side but she strongly believed in supporting the truth rather tha

Grudge

Hi to all those people struggling to manage their unhealthy emotions. In the previous article we discussed what is hurt? And what the common causes of hurt are. In today’s article we will discover ways to manage this emotion. But before we proceed we need to understand what a grudge is?

Imagine while walking you are carrying heavy books on your head or shoulders. Note how heavy it becomes as you carry those as you walk. This is what it is like to carry grudges for life. Most of the negative emotions take place when we do not have unconditional love for ourselves. 

Few are the following steps that if we remind ourselves daily, we can manage our unhealthy emotions effectively: 

Self-acceptance: is where you separate who you are as a person from your behavior and only rate the latter. You then apply the concept in reverse, to the person whom you believe has treated you unfairly. Forgive the person as it assists YOU not them, but feel free to challenge and rate their behaviors or actions.  

Gratitude: Challenge yourself to think about the times people were helpful, or kind, or generous to you. You will focus on the positives and it will help you let go of hypersensitivity, sullen silences and verbal outbursts. 

Practice the turtle exercise: Imagine someone said something that really hurt you or made you angry. Go into your shell and process your emotions rather than lashing out. This may involve addressing the behavior rather than the individual. For example “It hurts me when you ignore me” rather than “You always ignore me because you are selfish”.

These practices will really help you drop your grudge or hurt as it only harming you not the person or the situation. Hope this helps. See you soon. 

The Maidens A letdown

In 2019, Alex Michaelides stunned all the readers with his thrilling debut, The Silent Patient. All his fans, including me, were eagerly waiting for his next, The Maidens, which was released earlier this month. 

Although fast-paced and happening, Alex Michaelides failed to impress me with his new novel despite all the dark academia & Greek aesthetics that leave you in awe.

book-shelf-closet-the-maidens

Keep reading to know some reasons why The Maidens was a letdown for me.

Weak characterization

The story revolves around a woman, Mariana, who has recently lost her husband and is now looking to prove a murder. The intention must have been for readers to sympathize with Mariana but all I felt was annoyance and frustration.

The way Mariana was stuck in her past, her indecisiveness, and the way she was dealing with the entire ‘murder’ situation were rather immature and uncalculated. I only saw glimpses of her capability as a protagonist, usually making foolish decisions and in constant need for others approval. 

An uncomfortable suspense

Without spoiling the book, I was expecting Alex Michaelides to drop a bombshell with the revelation of the culprit. Sadly, that was not the case.

The murderer turned out to be someone I had guessed all along with a very weak and eerie motive. Moreover, we realize they had an accomplice too, which in itself was an uncomfortable picture and further complicating it with a second narrator.  

Unnecessary additions

I am personally not fond of thrillers that introduce characters and events that have nothing to do with the plot. 

For instance, in The Maidens, I could not grasp the need for Henry AKA stalker’s character till the end. Just a red herring! 

A forced story of a key character

Apart from Mariana and the rest of the gang, there is one more character that’s in the spotlight. The one initially portrayed as the culprit, the handsome, dazzling professor.You do not have to be Sherlock to guess that it can never be him just because that’s the first instinct. Notwithstanding his charming, confident personality,

Michaelides gave him a terrible persona, not thought-out at all rather rushed for the sake of making him look wicked, nonetheless

 

 

These were some points that had disappointed me after finishing the book. Have you read The Maidens? Let us know on Instagram @femmerang!

Sanya Mithani is a content writer at Femmerang. She’s a lifestyle Instagram blogger passionate about books. Follow her on Instagram @bookshelf.and.closet.

FEMMERANG’S ONE ON ONE WITH Faiza Mubeen

Faiza Mubeen

Faiza Mubeen is a counselor and a part of many projects related to women and mental health. We sat down with her for a live session.

We wanted to know about her work and what makes her want to do what she does.

Femmerang: What made you decide to go into this line of work?

Faiza Mubeen : In the words of Langston Hughes, I believe my students should have the opportunity to ‘hold fast to dreams.’ I have been in schools and learning spaces for the past 16 years and each time I learnt that one of my students has achieved a dream of going to college or achieving her/his goals, I felt it as a rewarding moment.

I would say, the reason I decided to join and then, stay, in this area of work is that I revel and rejoice in the students’ achievements and accomplishments, believing very strongly that my partnership and support during their learning journey has contributed to their success. 

FR: What was the first moment you knew this is what you want to do?

FM: I was 16 years old when I started teaching as a junior teaching support at a local school. I enjoyed it and that was the time I knew I would be in remedial and support programs for students. Counseling and inclusion is an extension or progression in the similar line of work. 

FR: What is the most challenging part of this work?

FM: Counseling is challenging and rewarding at the same time. However, some challenges are worth opting for. As you know, if given the right time and effort, the reward is huge.

There are several challenges but the hardest of them all is to ensure safety while making the student open herself/himself to you and keeping your personal judgements aside and most importantly setting relationship limits. 

FR: What is the most rewarding part of this work?

FM: Student success and them finding their sense of belonging.

FR: Is there a sense of fulfillment in this work? Can you speak about that?

FM: Human interaction with positivity and appreciation is always rewarding and gives a sense of fulfilment. Counseling is all about supporting people and specifically young people to find themselves, their strengths and work on the weaknesses. This is for sure a very satisfying and fulfilling feeling for anyone to have at the end of each day.  

FR: Tell us about the book?

FM: SHE DARES is a project of Mena Speakers, an organization that works on women empowerment in the Middle East region.

I am proud to be a part of this wonderful initiative together with 30 plus women co-authors. The book is filled with enlightening and emboldening life stories to inspire the readers. 

FR: What inspired you put it together?

FM: Reading & writing have always been my passion and I strongly believe that both are the strongest acts of communication.

I was contacted by the organization to pen down a piece that would be inspiring and encouraging to young women readers. 

FR: What can one expect to see in the book?

FM: You would be able to read 30 plus real life experiences penned down by internationally recognized women leaders. The launch is expected to be at the EXPO 2020 in the thriving city of Dubai. 

FR: What is next for you?

FM: I am excited to be able to attend school and learning institutions physically, unlike the past two years. I am positive and feel ready to embrace the new normal.

I am looking forward to a very exciting year, more focused on pastoral care, wellbeing and career/academic counseling and guidance. 


FR: What is the one thing that you would want the world to know about you?

FM: I would want the readers to know that to me, it is extremely important to seek guidance on crucial aspects and points in life. I learnt at a very early age in life that a sense of belonging is fundamental to our life satisfaction, happiness, mental and physical health and even longevity. It gives us a sense of purpose and meaning. Do not hesitate ever to keep craving for your sense of belonging as it keeps you rooted and yet innovative. 

FR: Thank you so much, Faiza, for speaking to us! It was a pleasure to have you with us.

Femmerang’s One on One with Marium Zara



Femmerang’s-One-on-One-with-Marium-Zara

Femmerang’s One on One with Marium Zara

Author of Project Illuminae

I’m sure you have heard the term calm within a storm. That is the best way to describe this young woman, Marium Zara. She is wise beyond her years. Her work, her passion for what she wants to achieve speaks for themselves. She describes herself as someone who wants to do a lot more in her life. Someone who is just getting started, to us she struck as someone who is well on their way to achieving what they have set out to. 

She’s the author of the book Project Illuminae, which is a poetry collection about life. It entails her life and a mix of what she has learned over the years from her surroundings and other people’s experiences. According to the author herself, “I tend to internalize everything around me very quickly. That plays a big part in my poetry as well.”

Marium is the youngest of her siblings. That already puts her in a league of her own. One does become insightful growing up as the youngest in a family, especially if you have educated older siblings and one is in the mental health profession. She learned a lot about life, watching life happen to others along with her and watching her elders deal with it as she grew up among everyone. She comes from a conservative family, but they never restricted her dreams.

She says she has had an existential crisis all her life because “when you are the youngest, you have to fight for your voice to be heard because everyone thinks that you are not making sense, or you don’t know how the world works.”  Writing became a release, a way to keep her voice and her identity.

In fact, her father was an avid reader, and she remembers him talking about authors and encouraging her to pursue the field of English literature. She has a Graduate Degree in English Literature from the Islamic University of Islamabad. She graduated last year; speaking about going to college and getting her degree, she explained that it helped her understand the language that made it easier for her to write and comprehend what she was doing on a higher level. 

She started with writing short stories and even a novel, then somewhere along the way, she realized that was not for her. She realized that she was more comfortable using “metaphors” and “language that would suggest something.” ‘When you live in a conservative family, you are not able to speak clearly and be straightforward with everyone. Poetry felt very safe to me, and it helps you be more open without being very upfront.” These statements ring true for all of us no matter what kind of family we come from, whether we are writers or poets or not. This young woman has it all figured out. She understands why she chose what she chose and how this will define the rest of her career. She started writing poetry when she was in 7th grade. The inspiration hit while in the car. She looked out the window and got this sudden urge to write something. There you have it, folks. That’s how stars are born. We are full of cliché’s today.

In her book, she discusses the limitations of her freedom, her mental health issues, and so much more. She is very vocal about her mental health issues. Here at femmerang, we find that to be a courageous move. Not many people own up to what they are going through because of societal pressures and what people think of them. To be this brave and wise at such a young age is admirable. 

“Whenever you want to go to a psychologist, everyone deems you as pagal. They don’t see that you need help with your emotions. It’s just like an illness that you get a cure for; if you have the flu, you take medicine. If you have a mental illness, you go to a therapist so they can help you.’ She dealt with depression during her teen years. We often ignore young adults’ depression with the shrug of a shoulder, saying it’s just a phase. Explaining her symptoms of depression, Marium said, “You don’t even want to get out of bed. I wouldn’t go to school for days; I wouldn’t do my work; I was like, what’s the point of it. It was hard to focus on my studies. I was surprised that I got into a university the way my grades were going down. There are also up days. I used to think that it’s hormones, but I don’t know now.” 

“when you are the youngest, you have to fight for your voice to be heard because everyone thinks that you are not making sense, or you don’t know how the world works.”

She didn’t get help until university when her friends persuaded her to see a psychologist. “The therapist helped me a lot. She told me to write everything down that was burdening me. That also led me to write as well, and I wasn’t suppressing anything anymore. That’s what mental health is all about. When you suppress things, you’re not your true self.

Her brave endeavors didn’t stop there. She finished University and wrote a book. She was scared to show her work to people because of the fear of being judged. “I don’t show myself on social media because when you’re out there, you are vulnerable. More vulnerable than with your actual words. Whenever a person reads a work like this, they think the person who wrote it must have gone through it.” On Instagram, you can tell people that it’s not your life, but as an author, that’s not possible. 

So, what does the future hold for this young woman who has already accomplished more than most? She says she is working on something new. She has no plans of stopping. There is much to do. She feels like Millennials are always thinking about what is coming next, and if they stop for even a moment, they feel like they have lost so much and are left behind. She is not someone who is behind in anything. She can be sure of that and relax. Relaxing is good for our mental health as well. However, something tells us she has got her psychological health covered.

You might also want to read: collaborating with Iyzil

Iyzil Collaboration With Femmerang to Ensure Women Safety and Security

Femmerang is proudly collaborating with Iyzil – Pakistan’s First Smart Female Security Solution. Together we are ensuring that women can ‘Feel Safe’ &‘Stay Safe’.

Iyzil is designed solely to make all women in Pakistan ‘Feel Safe’ and ‘Stay Safe’ everywhere 24/7. They can get instant help in case of an emergency from their Personal Responders and from Iyzil’s Professional Monitoring Center. Iyzil is indeed a true ‘Fearless Companion’ for all women in Pakistan!

Iyzil – A Female Security Solution For Everyone

Women’s safety concerns are in every household in Pakistan. The biggest hurdle between women and their aspirations is permission. From parents to brothers to guardians, the safety unease comes from a place of deep insecurity. Sending daughters to study in another city, letting women drive alone, living alone, traveling alone in Pakistan, families would think several times before permitting something like that. In Pakistan, parents are more concerned about the safety of their daughters; so is the case with brothers who are protective about their sisters, and husbands who are always concerned about the Safety and Security of their wives. In a similar manner, parents hesitate to send their daughters out of the city for their education or job, women are not preferred to drive alone, live alone, or even travel alone in the country.

Iyzil will help families feel less worried and will allow females to ‘Feel Safe’ and ‘Stay Safe’. In addition, females can always stay connected with their loved ones.

Iyzil’s Professional Monitoring Service

In addition to the Personal Responders, the Iyzil App is fully integrated with a Professional Monitoring Service that will not only help the female user at the time of the incident but will also inform security agencies and report the incident. Female users, who are alone, will feel safer in unknown territories. In case of emergencies or in time of need, all they need to do is to trigger their panic button (By Shaking their phone, Pressing the Volume Button Thrice, or pressing the in-app Panic Button ).

You can download Iyzil from the Google Play Store now!

Femmerang is a platform that is providing a safe space for women to interact and bring up issues that are important to them. Femmerang is curating practical information and tips from experts and training videos for the well-being and wellness of women from all walks of life.

Femmerang believes in collaborating with more women empowerment initiatives across the country in the future. 

We collaborate because we believe every woman has a right to feel safe and stay safe.

Zero Thinking 1

Hi everyone, I am sure you all are doing well. And I am hoping that you all are taking care of yourself in this holy month. I call it the special self-care month. Why? Because we make sure or at least try to do those activities that we were designed to do. We truly tap into ourselves and listen to our souls.

 

And in the process of finding yourself, do you ever feel that no one understands you? or loves you? And you feel super alone? If you are in a crowd YET you feel isolated? If YES then this article will help you to know yourself better.

 

Today we will try to understand one unhealthy and most common emotion that is loneliness. We come into this world through connection. We come into this world by receiving security and connection from our mothers. We cannot understand the difference between them and ourselves as it’s a state of oneness. So it never occurs to us to ask ourselves the big question that “Who am I? And as we grow up and separate we feel alone.

 

Let us take a moment to appreciate yourself if you dare to ask this question to yourself. The big question that “Who am I?” That means you did experience detachment or separation that lead you to ask yourself. Which made you feel lonely, alone, or isolated.

 

What is loneliness?

To understand loneliness, we need to understand separation. Separation is the heart of all loneliness. In simpler words, separation takes place when we start to differentiate and recognize self-vs. others. Which is the birthplace of ego. Disconnecting with oneself, causes us to separate off from certain parts of ourselves. When we reject or disown parts of ourselves we feel intense loneliness and isolation and rejection within us feel.

 

Loneliness as two further components is Shame and Fear which we will discover in the next article.

 

MASTERCHEF QUIZ

MASTERCHEF QUIZ

PART 2

 

 

Calling out all the Queens of Kitchen to take this two-part series quiz! If you’ve taken the first quiz, then it’s time to test your desi cuisine knowledge by answering the below food GK questions.  Let us know your score on Instagram @femmerang.

 

  1. Which province is ‘sajji’ originally from?

 

 

  1. KPK
  2. Balochistan
  3. Punjab

 

  1. Which of the following is the main in the Kashmiri cuisine?

 

 

  1. Flatbread
  2. Lentils
  3. Rice

 

 

 

  1. Kabuli Pulao, from Aghan cuisine are popular in which ethnicity?

 

 

  1. Saraiki
  2. Brahui
  3. Pashtun

 

  1. Which of the following is not a pickle?

 

 

  1. Tomato
  2. Lemon
  3. Carrot

 

  1. What kind of naan is shown in the below picture?

 

 

  1. Roghni
  2. Taftan
  3. Kandahari

 

  1. Which halwa is this?

 

 

  1. Sooji
  2. Hubshee
  3. Sohan

 

  1. Which dish originates from Mughal era?

 

 

  1. Qorma
  2. Nihari
  3. Haleem

 

  1. Which continent is paye from?

 

 

  1. Balochistan
  2. Punjab
  3. Sindh

 

  1. Which dish is not originally from Kalash cuisine?

 

 

  1. Capoti
  2. Mos au
  3. Dampukht

 

  1. Which famous fish is from Sindh?

 

 

  1. Palla
  2. Salmon
  3. Mackerel

 

Answers:

 

1. Balochistan 6. Sohan
2. Rice 7. Qorma
3. Pashtun 8. Punjab
4. Tomato 9. Dampukht
5. Kandahari naan 10. Palla

 

If you got:

 

0-4: You need to revisit the desi cuisine!

5-7: You are quite familiar with the desi cuisine!

8-10: You are a pro, ruling the kitchen & GK!

 

Sanya Mithani is a content writer at Femmerang. She’s a lifestyle Instagram blogger passionate about books. Follow her on Instagram @bookshelf.and.closet.