Dobara: The ugly side of our society

The new star-studded drama serial Dobara is on everyone’s lips these days because of not only its brilliant star cast but also an eye-opening story. This show has unraveled many ugly truths in just a few episodes.

What’s the story about?

A young girl, Mehrunissa (played by singer turned actor, Hadiqa Kiani), is married off to a man, Hidayatullah (played by Nauman Ijaz), who is 20 years older than her, while she is just a child, as her dying father’s wish. The drama serial commences with Hidayatullah’s death and Mehru’s reflection on her life spent with him, which was clearly not a bed of roses.

What lessons does it teach?


1. A long marriage does not equal to a happy marriage:

Everyone in the family is delusional about Mehru & Hidayat’s relationship – they believed the love was mutual. The reason? They’ve been married for so long & Mehru practically spent her entire life with him being married so young. However, Mehru’s reaction to his death tells us otherwise. As if, she had been emancipated from a life-long sentence. She constantly hints that no one knows anything about her marriage and we see a series of flashbacks showing us her early days of marriage i.e. the start of her imprisonment.

2. Women and expectations:

There’s no denying that marriage changes a girl’s life forever but to what extent? The young Mehrunissa was expected to act like a woman at adolescence. Her husband dictated her life; what she will wear, will do, be called by and even, what music she would listen to. How suffocating would such a life be when someone’s consent, their choices are neglected to such extreme?

3. Age gap in marriage:

The age gap between Hidayatullah & Mehru was quite a lot but the story will take a new twist when Mehru will marry Mahir (played by Bilal Abbas), who is much younger than her. As a society, we hardly ever object an older man marrying a young, beautiful young girl but the same society blackens the name of a woman who opts to marry someone younger. As an audience, we know there will be a lot of hurdles in their marriage, and most importantly, opposition from family. I can’t wait to see how Mehru fights for her happiness and if she actually finds herself with this decision. It will be a great lesson for everyone!

Let us know what stood out for you in these few episodes.

Myth or fact: Mental Health

Let’s bust some Mental Health myths together! Can you spot the false statements?

1. “Mental illnesses are uncommon”

a. Myth

b. Fact

2. “There are many factors that lead to someone developing a mental disorder including stress, genetics, standard of living”

a. Myth

b. Fact

3. “Some mental illnesses are short-term and go away with time”

a. Myth

b. Fact

4. “Everyone who suffers from mental illness has to live in a mental hospital/asylum”

a. Myth

b. Fact

5. “A lot of people are hesitant to get their mental illness treated due to the stigmas attached to it”

a. Myth

b. Fact

6. “Everyone with a mental illness is violent”

a. Myth

b. Fact

7. “Mental is not anyone’s fault”

a. Myth

b. Fact

8. “People can recover from mental health through merely thinking positively”

a. Myth

b. Fact

9. “People with mental illness are weak and unable to work”

a. Myth

b. Fact

10. “Children can also suffer from mental illness but it is difficult to detect because of different symptoms than adults”

a. Myth

b. Fact

Rabbia Sohail

Born into a Pakistani family, she speaks with the humility and tone one would expect from a daughter raised in our culture. A short conversation with her, however, proves that she is anything but stereotypical. She speaks with confidence of a successful entrepreneur, as she explains the background of her makeup and skin care brand, Entice Cosmetics. The brand turns four this year and sells everything from lipstick to moisturizer.

FemmeIdolProducts shot

It’s creator, Rabbia Sohail, began her career in medicine and is still practicing regularly. Somehow, she still finds the time to put all her love into her business which she is clearly passionate about. She still isn’t sure where her decision to become a doctor came from. As a child, she remembers dreaming about becoming a doctor, but much of the actual decision may have been borne out of parental expectations. South Asian culture is complicated enough about career choices. Passion and dreams matter less than status and income level. We all grow up with limited choices: pre-med, engineering, business. And if you’re really rebellious (or, to older people, just a girl biding her time until her wedding), humanities.

Rabbia doesn’t regret her decision though. It’s hard to make it in the medical field – the time and energy you give to the study of it is a huge investment. She found herself enjoying the profession. It wasn’t until her fourth year of study that she realized there was something more out there that was calling to her. She wanted to do something more on the side. Something she could share with the rest of the world.

Once she decided to start a small business, all that was left was to find a niche that went unfulfilled in the market. That’s where Entice Cosmetics was born. As a medical professional, Rabbia had the knowledge to truly be able to understand the ingredients that went into beauty products. She knew that health and beauty was a very profitable sector for business and creating truly cruelty-free, paraben free cosmetics with the best ingredients would be a valuable contribution to the industry. Since she was catering to women in Pakistan, this was no easy task.

Rabbia is a London native. It doesn’t take long to realize she has spent time abroad because her English accent gives it away. But she saw potential in the Pakistani market. Women were willing to pay a lot of money for trusted brands from outside the country. When she started, most international brands weren’t specifically catering to the women in Pakistan. Online resellers were everywhere but the quality and reliability of such businesses is always under question. Pakistani women needed a reliable and trustworthy source of cosmetics that provided the same quality as top international brands.

“I felt really lonely in the first two years. I only had two friends that I made throughout the journey… I would have been so much healthier and happier if people had given support.”

Self-starting a business is hard. Starting a business as a woman is even harder. The backlash was twofold. It started with her own family. Going from the perfect Desi doctor daughter to what basically amounts to a makeup seller is a huge step down in status. Her parents tried to talk her out of it fearing.

she would fail. She recalls her parents’ reactions, “I remember coming to my parents and they were like, “Please talk to us about it.”… [but] they would say “Just leave it. Just forget about it.” Those few years in the beginning were the most difficult . She managed to hold on to a few close friends but her support system largely fell out of place. It was lonely and discouraging. Rabbia talks about her parents with the kind of love that shows how close they were before that point. She still felt the sting of those unhappy years without her family to turn to.

That wasn’t her only obstacle to getting her business going. Working on starting a business as a woman is a tough job. Most of the people she had to work with were men who didn’t take a woman seriously. It was tricky to get manufacturers to do their job right and on time because they were always looking for shortcuts. It was worse in Pakistan than other countries. Pakistani men fought back against a female presence. The culture was too strong to break away from. She found herself needing to take shortcuts too. “I have staff who are male and I have to get them to deal with people because otherwise there’s no way around it,” she says.

In addition, Pakistani manufacturers often cut corners, neglecting using quality ingredients in the factory but she could always tell when something was off. Dealing with the dishonesty and unnecessary red tape was another roadblock to a successful business. She eventually had to find manufacturers abroad that were easier to work with.

“… I always reach out to help people who are starting up or want to start up or if anyone asks me anything. I immediately jump in to help because that’s what I missed when I was growing or when I was starting out.”

Even though her brand of skincare and makeup is well established now, her vision for the brand is far from over. She’s planning on adding a third sub-brand to her store soon and no matter how much we wanted to know, she insisted it had to be a surprise. Just as we started anticipating the new addition, she proved there truly was no end to her ambition. She wants to take the brand international at some point in the future, although the logistics might take some time.

The most exciting part? She hopes to open a physical store in Pakistan one day. Rabbia seems to balance it all so smoothly so we had to ask. What is it that keeps her going? Well, coffee of course. She admits to being an absolute addict, consuming four to five cups a day. If you follow her on social media, you already know this. Her appeal is obvious: she’s relatable, genuine, and glamorous all at once.

If Rabbia is anything, it’s dedicated, “ I think I’m very resilient. I don’t take no for an answer, whether it is in my professional or personal life. If someone says I can’t do it, I am gonna prove them wrong.” She was confident in her abilities and she did prove them wrong. She credits her persistence and the power of prayer to her achievements, “I feel like prayer guides you in a way. I do believe that if you work really hard, god won’t disappoint you.”

 

“There’s a lot of issues when you first start a business. You go in to loss and you have to be prepared for that.”

As far as any budding entrepreneurs and dreamers looking to make it in the business world, she has some advice. Start small, with one or two products and expand once you have the money. Make advertising your friend and don’t be afraid to spend money on influencers and bloggers – whatever gets your products traction on the internet. And perhaps most importantly, don’t give up. There will be obstacles and all kinds of reasons and justifications to turn back but Rabbia has one final piece of advice for start-ups: “Keep going and don’t give up, [you] will get there in the end.”

15 Things I Wish I Could Say to My Mother-in-Law

We all wish we could change a few things about our lives. We all wish we could be a bit bolder and a bit more nuanced. We want to be able to stand up for ourselves or simply respond in situations when we feel we give up to easily. Here are a few times most of us can relate to.

1- I made a commitment

I’m fully aware that I’ve made a promise to be a partner to your son in front of God and other legal bodies and I intend to keep that promise. There is no need to keep reminding me of how terrible I am at this job.

2- Please knock. Also, please ask your husband to knock as well:

Doors have locks for a reason. If I use them, it’s a problem; if I don’t use them, it’s a problem. Many times, we can’t lock our doors because we have little kids, and they need easy access to our rooms. Do I need to put up “Keep Out” sign like an angsty teenager?

3- Please let me and your son find our own way to live. You are a great mother and always will be. Let me be the wife that I want to be:

If you wanted to find your son a second mother, well, you failed. And why would you even want that? I mean, we all agree that you are a great mother, well, most of us anyway. What he needs is a life partner and a companion. Let me be that for him. I know what my husband needs from me as a wife. Let’s play our separate roles in his life. Why do we have to edge each other out or take each other’s place?

4- Respect my parenting. All babies are different.

My baby is your grandchild, not your child so respect my parenting. I will respect your grandparenting. My child, my rules. I’m so sorry that this doesn’t suit you.

5- Please don’t turn your son against me. It will end up ruining his life, not just mine:

If you let him love me and think good things about me, he will love you more for it as well. Oh dear mom-in-law, if you only understood that you are not just making things hard for me, you are also making things extremely difficult for your son whom I know you love so much. You only think making me look bad will make for a more pleasant experience for you two. Even if he believes you, I assure you he is miserable knowing that his life partner is a terrible person. If he doesn’t believe you, which is more likely, he is probably disappointed in you and doesn’t want to admit it because it’s too painful.

6-Please be on our team. We need you, and more than that, we want you

Your son needs his mother. I need my husband to have his mother.  I came in knowing and accepting that you are a part of my life and want a healthy relationship with you.However, I already have a mother. But I will happily accept you as a loving elder and guide. Or just agree to disagree because that’s probably more likely.

7-Please find your own life and your own activities:

Find a purpose for your life so we don’t always have to be the center of your attention. Please and thank you.

8-You chose me this way now accept me this way:

I’m not always going to do things you like. I’m not always going to do things that your son likes either. I’m my own person, flaws, and all. Get used to it.

9-You son’s flaws are not my fault:

I’m not here to change him, nor do I want to. Please keep your relationship with him directly between the two of you as it has always been. Leave me out of it.

10-The household is not just a woman’s responsibility:

Let’s try and put some of that responsibility you keep going on about on your son. What do you say? He’s just as much of an adult as I am.

11-I respect you and may even grow to like you, but you are not my mother:

I repeat, you are not my mother. Just like I don’t expect you to love me like you love your daughter.

12-I am doing the best I can:

If it’s not obvious, let me say it. I am doing the best I can. However, I don’t need to be perfect. New flash: you ain’t perfect either, sister!

13- Do not discuss our personal matters with others no matter how close you are to them:

That auntie you talk to is just a gossip; she does not care about our family issues. You know when you told her that my son is flunking his class? She did tell other aunties just that, along with the fact that your grandchild is just as careless as your son in studies, because you were a negligent mother. Talk about a two-for-one deal.

14- Please don’t talk to my older kids about me and my parenting:

As a grandparent you do have a right to them. However, that stops where my parenting begins. Harsh truth but accept it and move on please. I’m sorry that you didn’t have this kind of control over your children when you were raising them but that’s not my fault.

15- Don’t compare me to other women in your family because I am my own person and I don’t want to be like anyone else:

You don’t have to love who I am and, as a matter of fact, even your son doesn’t have to love who I am (yeah, you heard me). I am happy with myself and satisfied with the person I am so please keep your criticism of my housekeeping, parenting, wifing and any other skills to yourself. Again, please and thank you.

Sinf-e-Aahan: Women of Steel

Sinf-e-Aahan

From the catchy slogan to showcasing strong women from different cultural backgrounds across Pakistan, this show has got me hooked from just the first episode. Here’s why you should watch Sinf-e-Aahan too (if you haven’t already)!

1. What does getting married mean to you?

Sinf-e-Aahan, the star-studded drama features über talented actresses Kubra Khan, Ramsha Khan, Sajal Ali, Syra Yousuf & Yumna Zaidi. You’ll also get to see the pawri-famed girl Dananeer Mobeen in the upcoming episodes. Also, Srilankan actress Yahali Tashiya will be debuting in Sinf-e-Aahan.

Each female character represents cultures, backgrounds and mindsets that in this country & how each of them join the Pak army, despite discouragements from people.

2. Some impactful dialogues

For me, the highlight of the first episode was Rabia Safeer played by Sajal Ali’s lines after the ‘rishta-rejection’ where she reveals the ugly face of our society & how unjust it is for women. She describes how other girls in her batch were achieving their goals while she was meeting potential sasurals only to have them find flaws in her.

Other dialogue that really stood out for me was Ramsha Khan AKA Pariwesh Jamal’s where upon being stopped by her mother to hold a gun because it is ‘mardon wali cheez’, she says ‘aurat uthaegi toh aurat wali ban jayegi’, depicting there’s nothing a woman cannot do.

3- Rebelling against toxicity:

Two male characters that were introduced in the first episode played by Ali Rehman Khan & Asad Siddiqui as friends of Kubra Khan & Syra Yousuf, respectively, were highly toxic. When both girls expressed their desires to join army, instead of supporting them, the boys told them they were cut off. In other words, they were incompetent.

If it weren’t for Sinf-e-Aahan, we would have seen the female character agreeing with the male because of ‘male supremacy’ and probably getting married off in the next few episodes. But, this was not the case here. The girls were determined and focused on their goals – hats off to the team for pulling off such strong female characters!

Fear of Abandonment 2

Hi everyone, hope you all are doing well and enjoyed eid. But in this process did you get some time to reflect on the previous article? We discussed fear of abandonment and its types. Let us reflect on the cause of fear of abandonment.

The fear of abandonment is mainly due to being physically or emotionally abandoned in the past. For example

Top Causes of fear of Abandonment

A child who may have experienced parental neglect, death, or abandonment from a parent. Or may have experienced rejection from peers or faced prolonged illness of a loved one. Or a romantic partner may have left you suddenly or behaved in an untrustworthy manner. One or more than such events might have taken place in someone’s life. Such events can lead to a fear of abandonment.

 

 

Long-term effects of fear of abandonment

Examples of fear of abandonment

People who have fear of abandonment don’t allow themselves to get close. They may think, “No attachment, no abandonment.”

    • They obsessively worry about their faults and what others may think of them
    • They are the ultimate people pleaser. They don’t want to take any chances that someone won’t like them enough to stick around
    • They feel crushed when someone offers a bit of criticism or gets upset with them in any way.
    • They overreact when you feel criticized or insulted
    • They feel they are not good enough
    • They break up with a romantic partner so they can’t break up with 
    • They get clingy even when the other person asks for space.They often feel jealous, suspicious, or critical of their partner.

Exercises to heal the fear of abandonment

Once you recognize your fear of abandonment, there are some things you can do to begin healing.

  • Write down all the positive qualities you have.
  • Write down the efforts you did and do that make you are good partner, friend, son/daughter.
  • Talk to your partner or concerned person about your fear of abandonment and how it came to be. 
  • Explain where you’re coming from, but don’t make your fear of abandonment something for them to fix. Don’t expect more of them than is reasonable.
  • Work on maintaining friendships and building your support network. Strong friendships can boost your self-worth and sense of belonging.
  • Seek Professional help

Hope these steps help you. Moreover, it would be great if you can listen to daily self-love and compassion mediation. As a healthy reminder to yourself. Until next time, love yourself, spread love.

Who will be your chai partner?

We all are totally loving the characters and fast-paced story of Mohlat drama airing on Geo these days. But, we are loving the two male characters from Mohlat even more – Dawar and Essa! Take the below quiz to find out who will you be going to for chai with from the two Mohlat boys!

1. What does getting married mean to you?

a. Spending your life with someone you love

b. Something that the society expects us you to do

2. If you have to pick one, you’ll pick…

a. Bahir ki degree

b. Bahir ki nationality

3. You know someone’s secret. What do you do?

a. Enquire if it’s true

b. You cannot care less

4. Where do you expect to meet your “soul-mate”?

a. Ghar ki shaadi

b. Somewhere exotic where you meet them by fate

5. What would you call dangerous?

a. Hiding something extremely important from your family

b. Sneaking into a friend’s house at midnight

6. My flaw is…

a. I cannot keep the promises/commitments I make

b. I do not speak up when I should at times, knowing the consequences

7. Where do you think you will end up spending all your money, if you ever won a lottery?

a. Philanthropic work

b. Things that scream luxury and lavishness

After taking the quiz, if you got:

Mostly a’s: You’re going on a chai date with Dawar from Mohlat. Mind you, he is a great listener and will give solutions to your problems. Most of them will involve dealing with them with patience and persistence.

Mostly b’s: You’re going on a chai date with Essa from Mohlat. This rendezvous will be very engaging. You will exchange exciting stories, laugh out loud and have delicious food too (with your chai, of course)!

 

Let us know what you got on this quiz on Instagram @femmerang!

Mehreen Mansoor: The female character we are looking for?

Based on Umera Ahmed’s novel Hum Kahan Ke Sachay Thay, the eponymous drama serial is based on the story of a young girl, Mehreen Mansoor (played by Mahira Khan), who faces childhood trauma, which gravely impacts her adulthood. Despite being a flawed character, I am still rooting for Mehreen and here’s why!

1-She does not care about other’s opinions!

Mehreen is hated by her cousin Mashal (played by Kubra Khan), who loves getting the former into trouble and seeing her in pain. Childhood friendship turned into cousin rivalry!

But Mehreen’s mantra is: Ignore and move on! No, she doesn’t try to prove her niceness by being good to Mashal. No, she does do Mashal’s work so she’d like her. No, she is not like any typical protagonist! And I love seeing her take stand for herself!

2. She is financially independent!

Mehreen from Hum Kahan Ke Sachay Thay drama turns out to be an artist and notwithstanding belonging to a well-off family, she decides to pay her bills by selling her paintings online!

The drama conveys a great message to young girls out there to make use of their talent rather than waiting for a prince charming to save the day!

3. Not your typical roti-dhoti heroine!

A lot of progress was made in just two episodes and one important twist was Mehreen’s mother’s (forced) remarriage after her father’s suicide. The remarriage caused our female lead to become aloof from her mother and their meetings left her upset and troubled.

Shedding tears behind closed doors, in public she comes off as a confident and strong young woman. When her friend asked if she had been weeping, her response was “not every water that comes out of the eye is tear”.

4. Marriage is not the ultimate purpose of her life!

The second episode revealed that Saffan (played by Haroon Shahid), her best friend’s cousin, had proposed to Mehreen. Despite not minding the proposal, Mehreen politely refused saying she is not ready for a commitment. We loved how the character did not go gaga over a boy or the mere fact that ‘rishta aya hai’ but had her priorities set!

5. Prioritized education!

In a country where not even half of its female population is literate, Mehreen’s character is empowering. Being brought up without her parents, father accused of thievery and substance abuse, rebuked by her family, suffering from anxiety, she still pursued her education. Now an MPhil student, we see her excelling in her secular life; winning debates and being a gold medalist.

So what’s stopping those women who are privileged enough to obtain education, from doing so?

Although we love Mahira Khan’s character, Mehreen, in Hum Kahan Ke Sachay Thay drama, we cannot not appreciate Kubra Khan, as a shrewd antagonist and, Usman Mukhar, whose character has an air of mystery to it. Special mention to Omair Rana for a powerful cameo, Zainab Qayyum, Laila Wasti, Haroon Shahid, Huma Nawab and veteran actress Shamim Hilali for delivering amazing performances.

Have you been following the drama? Share your thoughts with us below!

Sanya Mithani is a content writer at Femmerang. She’s a lifestyle Instagram blogger passionate about books. Follow her on Instagram @bookshelf.and.closet.

The OST battle This or that?

1. Which Rahat Fateh Ali Khan OST would you pick?

a. Mere Paas Tum Ho

b. Khaani

2. Choose a suspense drama OST…


a. Kashf

b. Yeh Dil Mera

3. If I have to pick one Aima Baig’s OST, it would be…

a. Do Bol

b. Raaz-e-Ulfat

4. In the comedy genre, which OST would you pick?

a. Chupke Chupke

b. Suno Chanda

5. Pick an OST with a deeper meaning…


a. Sabaat

b. Alif

6. The better OST in which Fawad Khan featured is…

a. Zindagi Gulzar Hai

b. Humsafar

7. The better OST in which Fawad Khan featured is…

a. Deewangi

b. Anaa

8. Pick a Zee 5 Original drama OST…

a. Ek Jhoothi Love Story

b. Dhoop Ki Deewar

9. Choose the OST of either drama, which is based on a novel…

a. Diyar-e-Dil

b. Alif Allah Aur Insaan

10. Lastly, which Ramadan show OST would you pick?

a. Ishq Jalebi

b. Tanaa Banaa

Hurt

Hi everyone, in the previous article we discussed abandonment issues and their types. Today we will further try to understand another unhealthy negative emotion or feeling which is a belief that others are not treating us fairly. It could also be a belief that life is not treating us fairly.

What is HURT?

The emotion I am talking about is hurt. What is hurt? Hurt is one of the most common and toxic emotions we all go through in our lives. Hurt makes our heart feel deeply unhappy and bitter. It can be said that it is linked with the emotion of depression. Hurt is also linked with the emotion of frustration and facilitates in creating an unhealthy environment. Making a person feel frustrated and hyper-sensitive to the smallest of slights. This results in feeling angry can result in yelling, silent treatment to others, being critical to self and others, and even pushing people away.

Top Triggers to Hurt

Before we discuss how to manage the emotion of hurt. Let us discover few triggers to the emotion of hurt.

Hurt created by the family and other relationships

The clients I have dealt with, mostly have unresolved and unaddressed issues with their families. They believe that their parent or sibling did not treat them fairly. Other sibling/s were given more preference. Most clients believe that their childhood was the main source of their current difficulties. Or if there is a parent, the belief that their child is treating them unfairly. Another factor of hurt is when a wife or husband feels that they are not treated fairly by their partner. Or wife feels that she is not treated fairly by her in-laws.

Hurt through Bullying

This is the most powerful trigger for hurt. Bullying can take place at any time and age. Usually, school is the common place where it takes place. A person who may have been bullied believes that they were unfairly picked upon and were not protected by their families or teachers. Or the angry of being able to fight back makes the person feels frustrated.

Hurt at Workplace

unfortunately, the workplace can be the biggest source of hurt in Pakistan. Where you feel that managers or boss is treating you unfairly in comparison to work colleagues when it comes to tasks or responsibilities, not being appreciated for work done, and so on.

Hurt caused by Abuse

This is the most destructive trigger of hurt. It revolves around the belief that you were not protected from physical, emotional, or sexual abuse by parents, older siblings, cousins, teachers, and persons in a position of power. The combination of hurt and sense of being unprotected, together with the physical and psychological effects of abuse can trigger depression.

Hurt created by Social Media

Unkind comments and trolling can be a source of hurt for many. Being targeted by a group also called social media mob. They believe that you are treated unfairly by others and they seem to enjoy your pain. This has caused young adults to commit suicide as well.

Which hurt you have experienced? Is there any experience that still triggers you? Take some time out to process those emotions. Till then wait for next article in which we will discover ways to manage the emotions of hurt.