Category: Dear ہمراز

Kalash-cuisine

Dear HamRaaz

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I’ve watched my mother deal with a very abusive husband. He was a decent enough father, still is. But as a husband he was terrible. I am realizing now that he was terrible to my mother. He was loud, rude and sometimes even physically too rough with her. He was harsh with us siblings as well,  but we just took it as tough love and moved on. Now that I’m married and have my own children, I see my father in myself when im upset with my children. I get angry, distant and I even hit them. My husband gets extremely disturbed when I act this way. Im otherwise a calm person and I love my family. That’s what my father has always claimed. He still does, not that I have or ever would confront him.

How do I deal with this? I don’t want to raise my kids scared of me. I don’t want them to grow up and feel the way I do about my father now.

Please help,

Aiza.

 

 

Dearest Aiza,

You are not going through anything uncommon. Usually when children grow up and start a family of their own is when they realize the dynamics of the relationship of their parents. A lot of the times the realization is not pleasant. We like to our parents through kid color perfect glasses, but they are human filled with flaws. In your case its even more true than ever.

The first step in healing is to recognize and accept the problem which you have done very well. However, it’s very common for children to knowingly or unknowingly mimic or model after their parents. You have unresolved issues towards your father and that comes out in the shape of you getting angry with your children.

You will have to work on those issues. Depending on what kind of relationship you have with your father and how openly you can discuss matters with him, talking to him and opening up with him about how you are feeling will surely help.

This won’t be easy because that generation is not too open to discuss anything.

Now, let’s talk about what you can do with your husband and children. Be open with your husband, tell him what you are feeling and going through if you haven’t already. Whenever you feel a bout of anger coming on step away from your children. Let your husband and other people (if possible) handle it. If you have to be there, take a deep breath and count to ten, then go into the situation with a fresh mind. Train yourself to think that no matter what they are doing in the moment to annoy you or bother you is nothing compare to the lasting effects of misplaced anger.

Gradually counting, breathing before reacting, walking away from a situation when you have the option to will become a common practice. Depending on the children’s ages you can discuss how you are trying to control your anger and how it is not okay to make anyone feel unsafe. This will make them understand your side and more open to you when you try to control yourself in the next situation.

These are just some initial steps, even this is going to take a lot from you. It is hard work but I can tell that you are committed and you care about your family. Your love and concern for them will get you through this.

If you need to talk more or need more help please feel free to keep contacting us and we will confidentially help you.

Good Luck.

 

Im Here.

Your HaamRaaz

 

Dear Hamraaz

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From your ہمراز

The purpose for all of us being here is so you can spill your guts.

Tell me something you can’t tell anyone else. Tell me something that’s been nagging at you and you haven’t been able to get off your chest. The purpose of this isn’t going to be always to solve life-altering problems. We got some very heavy questions but felt they were more suitable for one-on-one consultation. 

How has your day been going? Are you having a difficult time with your boss? Children can be difficult, can’t they? Let’s talk about that. 

With that said, we don’t want to discourage you from asking the hard questions, the real life questions. We are here for you. We will do whatever we can and however we can. Here is a questions someone recently asked. I hope it helps the rest of you as well.

 

Dear ہمراز:

I recently had a mental breakdown. I know it because I read about and searched it online. My family has no idea. Maybe I didn’t, who knows. I was crying day and night. I had locked myself in my room and kept away from everyone. I wouldn’t respond to anyone talking to me. I wanted to kill myself. I actually wanted to end it all. Why I went into this mode is a long story, I don’t even know if I’m completed out of it. I never killed myself because my parents thought I was being over dramatic about everything and told me I’m not allowed to go anywhere or visit anyone until I fix my attitude. I didn’t care because I didn’t want to. The one thing that came out of it was that I had a 24 hour watch on me and I was never alone. 

There were times when I felt like I was physically suffocating as if the air was leaving my body and I was going to die. I would panic. Not because I was dying but because it hurt so much. I couldn’t tell anyone because no one would take it seriously. 

I’m feeling a bit better but I’m still miserable. I don’t know what to do.

Rose

24

 

My Beautiful Girl,

You were/are having panic and anxiety attacks from what I can tell. This is not anything small. You are a very brave. For me to help you firstly we will have to figure out where the main cause of the problem. Is there a friend or any other family member that you can talk to while you are going through this? Usually we suggest to go to a doctor or psychiatrist or psychological but it seems that’s not possible for you at the moment. Until that becomes a possibility, find a friend. 

If things become really bad contact the government emergency hotline. We will state the numbers below.

In the mean time I  will give you some breathing techniques and conditioning activities to help you through this.

 

In order to help 

Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR)

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) is a simple relaxation technique that helps reduce anxiety and muscle tension.

It involves stretching and relaxing different muscles in your body in a certain order.

It should take you about 20 minutes from start to finish. Like most relaxation techniques, it will get easier with practice. But you should feel some benefit straight away.

Here’s how it works:

Find a warm, quiet place with no distractions. Get comfortable, either sitting or lying down.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply from your belly.

Next, work through the stretches below.

Hold each stretch for a few seconds then relax it. Repeat each stretch 3 or 4 times.

  • Face: Push your eyebrows together as if frowning, then release.
  • Neck: Gently tilt your head forwards, pushing your chin towards your chest. Then slowly lift your head again.
  • Shoulders: Pull them towards your ears like a shrug. Then relax them downwards towards your feet.
  • Chest: Breathe slowly and deeply into your belly, below the bottom rib, so that you’re using all of your lungs. Then breathe out slowly, letting your belly deflate.
  • Arms: Stretch your arms away from your body, reach, then relax.
  • Legs: Curl your toes away from your body, then pull them towards the body, then relax.
  • Wrists and hands: Stretch your wrist by pulling your hand towards you. Stretch out the fingers and thumbs, then relax.

When you’re done, spend a few moments sitting or lying quietly with your eyes closed. When you feel ready, stretch and get up slowly.

 

hum-raaz

Dear Humraaz: Our Mission is to Empower Women

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From day 1 mission of femmerang team is to empower women.  All the efforts we are putting into is to bring the most useful and helpful healthcare and fitness tips for all ladies out there. You are very precious you need to learn how to love yourself and know your worth.  

From your ہمراز

The purpose for all of us being here is so you can spill your guts.

Tell me something you can’t tell anyone else. Tell me something that’s been nagging at you and you haven’t been able to get off your chest. The purpose of this isn’t going to be always to solve life-altering problems. We got some very heavy questions but felt they were more suitable for one-on-one consultation. 

How has your day been going? Are you having a difficult time with your boss? Children can be difficult, can’t they? Let’s talk about that. 

With that said, we don’t want to discourage you from asking the hard questions, the real life questions. We are here for you. We will do whatever we can and however we can. Here is a questions someone recently asked. I hope it helps the rest of you as well.

These days when some people are bringing troubles into our lives there are still some who know your worth and women are helping women more precisely empowered women empowering women we need to understand this.

Dear ہمراز:

I recently had a mental breakdown. I know it because I read about and searched it online. My family has no idea. Maybe I didn’t, who knows. I was crying day and night. I had locked myself in my room and kept away from everyone. I wouldn’t respond to anyone talking to me. I wanted to kill myself. I actually wanted to end it all. Why I went into this mode is a long story, I don’t even know if I’m completed out of it. I never killed myself because my parents thought I was being over dramatic about everything and told me I’m not allowed to go anywhere or visit anyone until I fix my attitude. I didn’t care because I didn’t want to. The one thing that came out of it was that I had a 24 hour watch on me and I was never alone. 

There were times when I felt like I was physically suffocating as if the air was leaving my body and I was going to die. I would panic. Not because I was dying but because it hurt so much. I couldn’t tell anyone because no one would take it seriously. 

I’m feeling a bit better but I’m still miserable. I don’t know what to do.

Rose

24

My Beautiful Girl,

You were/are having panic and anxiety attacks from what I can tell. This is not anything small. You are a very brave. For me to help you firstly we will have to figure out where the main cause of the problem. Is there a friend or any other family member that you can talk to while you are going through this? Usually we suggest to go to a doctor or psychiatrist or psychological but it seems that’s not possible for you at the moment. Until that becomes a possibility, find a friend. 

If things become really bad contact the government emergency hotline. We will state the numbers below.

In the mean time I  will give you some breathing techniques and conditioning activities to help you through this.

In order to help 

Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR)

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) is a simple relaxation technique that helps reduce anxiety and muscle tension.

It involves stretching and relaxing different muscles in your body in a certain order.

It should take you about 20 minutes from start to finish. Like most relaxation techniques, it will get easier with practice. But you should feel some benefit straight away.

Here’s how it works:

Find a warm, quiet place with no distractions. Get comfortable, either sitting or lying down.

Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply from your belly.

Next, work through the stretches below.

Hold each stretch for a few seconds then relax it. Repeat each stretch 3 or 4 times.

  1. Face: Push your eyebrows together as if frowning, then release.
  2. Neck: Gently tilt your head forwards, pushing your chin towards your chest. Then slowly lift your head again.
  3. Shoulders: Pull them towards your ears like a shrug. Then relax them downwards towards your feet.
  4. Chest: Breathe slowly and deeply into your belly, below the bottom rib, so that you’re using all of your lungs. Then breathe out slowly, letting your belly deflate.
  5. Arms: Stretch your arms away from your body, reach, then relax.
  6. Legs: Curl your toes away from your body, then pull them towards the body, then relax.
  7. Wrists and hands: Stretch your wrist by pulling your hand towards you. Stretch out the fingers and thumbs, then relax.

When you’re done, spend a few moments sitting or lying quietly with your eyes closed. When you feel ready, stretch and get up slowly.

Should I get married in secret?

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Dear         ہمراز

My parents want me to marry someone from my baba’s family. I met him years ago. Now I met him again three months ago when they gave the Rishta. He’s not a bad person, but I don’t know him or his family. Everyone is in a hurry to accept the Rishta and say yes. I think it’s because I want to say no.

My question is, should just do Nikkah with someone else in secret? That way, my parents can’t make me marry him. It’s not like I’m in love with anyone, but there are many men I know much better than this guy. I would rather spend my life with someone I know than with a stranger.

Looking for an out,

 Fareen.

(edited for length and clarity)

Dear Fareen,

I wish there was a simple answer. There are a few questions you need to ask yourself before you make any kind of decision۔

Question 1: Is this decision not even to consider this guy coming from a place of not wanting to marry THIS guy or not wanting to marry this guy because your family is recommending him? Dig deep?  You are obviously not against getting married. And you are ready to marry someone you are not in love with.

Question 2: Have the reasons been clearly communicated to your family as to why you don’t want to marry this guy? Many times the real problems get lost in translation. It feels like we are clear about the situation, but we think that way because we are transparent in our heads, it might not feel that way to others.

Question 3: Have you asked your parents and other adults why this person? Why now? Are you clear on that? Again, so much gets lost in translation. Not that any reason would be good enough to force you to do anything you don’t want to. However, finding out their reasons might make it easier for you to talk to them in their language and make them understand.

So many times in these kinds of situations, we assume the other party understands and doesn’t care, or we assume that they just don’t care to even find out about our reasons. We have to stop guessing and give it our all before going to extreme measures. I am not ALWAYS against extreme measures, but if those measures are not going to make you happy, then why?

Im not in the business of giving yes or no answers, but this one time, I would say NO to marrying some random guy to avoid marrying some random guy.

 I think this is a very high-stress high emotional situation for you. Tell your family you might think about it if you had the time and less stress of having to decide in a hurry.

Don’t ruin your life with someone else in fear of ruining your experience with this one.

I hope this helps.

Write back. Let me know if any of this was helpful.

Comment, like, share, ask away.

Im Always Here.

Yourہمراز .

Sexual Harassment

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When someone tells you a story about a girl who was molested at a young age, you feel a sharp pain in your heart. No matter what the age of that girl. When you read in the news that a woman was touched or called names that are not appropriate, your heart hurts for her. You think to yourself, “how does she move on from that? How does she face her everyday life after all this? Now that people know. Now people around her recognize her as that person that those words were spoken to or those acts were done to. What hell must she be living in at this time ?”

You are not wrong to think that. That person is in a special kind of terrible place that no one should ever have to find themselves in; However, they were in an awful hell before speaking out as well. Something else is stinging deep inside, though; it’s not that you are feeling their pain or what has happened to them or the worry of how they will move on. It’s that you remember incidents that have happened to you, perhaps are still happening.

Things people said to you that you weren’t allowed to repeat. Something others are doing to you that you don’t even want to think about ever. When these issues are mentioned about other people you are forced to think about all those times, all those memories that are buried deep down, it is all on the surface now.

You keep listening, hearing, and thinking about everything around you on this topic. Finally, after all this effort, you get the courage to say something. To whom? “My story is not like anyone else’s,” you think to yourself.  No one will really understand or take it seriously. You keep talking yourself into taking this seriously because that’s what those women on social media and TV shows tell you to do. You look around to find someone who will listen, someone who will understand. Maybe you do find that person—such a difficult decision. Life will change forever, won’t it?

You gather yourself and mention your situation. Maybe even make it seem much lighter and less massive than it is. Most of the time, you regret saying anything. Most of the time, you are told you have made a big deal out of a small issue. You are advised that is how boys flirt. You are told not to take it so seriously and just ignore it. You are told to avoid putting yourself in these situations so, and mind your own business; keep to yourself. You are advised never to say anything about this to anyone else. You are told media today is corrupting the youth. There are many other things you are assured that I could keep going on repeating to you here. We have to move on and get to problem-solving now that we know the problem.

What we just talked about has nothing to do with age, class, money, status, or marital status. This has nothing to do with whether one has children. Most women have faced this on some level, and most of us have been reassured that what we met was either not sexual harassment or we need to stay quiet because we will embarrass ourselves and our families.

Here I want to assure you that you will not embarrass anyone.

I am here to listen and offer solutions. I don’t need to know your name. I don’t need even to know your gender if you want to remain anonymous in that manner. I want to help. Throw your questions at me. Tell me what your feeling, thinking. What troubles you? No topic is off-limits. No problem will go unanswered.

We are starting with sexual harassment because we did our FemmeIcon Instagram Live on this topic. We wanted to come full circle and give our audience another chance to voice their opinions and concerns on this issue. If you have other problems you want to discuss, let me know in the comments, I will oblige.

Comment،, like, share, ask away.

Im Always Here.

Your ہمراز  

Mahvish

From Your ہمراز

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Mahvish Akhtar

Salam friends, we are starting a new section for you that I will be handling myself. I am the founder and CEO of this organization and operation. The purpose of bringing this to all of you is that my team and I want to help you in any way that we can.

This will be a safe space where we can talk about anything. You can ask me questions, tell me about your life. I will help you with whatever you might need the best that I can.

If I am going to expect you to share your problems with me and if I want you to tell me what’s bothering you in your life, its only fair I tell you a bit about myself. Plus, I love talking about myself, you’ll learn that about me as you get to know me.

Okay, let’s see…

I have been a journalist for 20 years, I’m a licensed life empowerment coach, a counselor, and I am also the director of a Mental Health Institute in Karachi. I have two boys ages 7 and 8,  a husband I’ve been married to for 23 years, I take care of a full house a business, along with that I am so much more to so many more wonderful people;  Someday I will tell you all about them.

Oh, and my birthday is in September, I will be 44 this year, so I am expecting a lot of loving b-day messages from you guys. It’s not easy getting old.

 Do you want to know the best part about my job? I love that I get to help people. I love the idea that I can sit behind a computer or a phone, and make a difference. That might also speak to my laziness ;). Seriously though, I became a writer so I could use my abilities to make a difference by spreading awareness. Now I see that I can keep learning and growing and help in even more ways. Counseling and coaching were those ways.

More about me later. Right now, it’s about you. Talk to me. What are some issues and problems that are weighing on you? What are some questions you need answers for? I am here to answer all your questions and comments. You don’t have to reveal yourself. We can do this anonymously if you want.  

Like, comment, share.

Talk away.

I’m Always Here.

Your ہمراز